We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
