I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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