eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
