I think I died a long time ago.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
