So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
