on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
