Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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