the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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