My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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