you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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