when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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