I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
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Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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