I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
