My liver just broke up with me...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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