just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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