Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
