Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
