I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
