I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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