i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
