Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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