I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
