That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
