Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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