I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
