Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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