i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
