i think my tv is drunk
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
