is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
