i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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