apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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