im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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