New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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