That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
