I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
