I need help removing her.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
