Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
