I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
