Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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