K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize