Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Even my vagina gasped.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
