Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
