the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
