Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
