you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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