We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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