dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
