I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
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I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
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Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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