i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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