Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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