Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Dick very happy bro
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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