You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
